Fear

There is a fear that motivates.
Lions, tigers, & bears. Oh my.

There is a fear that paralyzes.
Chasing dreams.

Lately writer’s block has shut down my creativity. Projects like Scott’s birthday and the upcoming Valentine’s Day get me going but don’t inspire.

It seems that every time I decide to follow a dream, this paralyzed sensation takes a hold of my mind and refuses to let go. “I want this,” I think. Those keywords trip the trap and the walls go up behind my eyes. I can see the beauty and the wonder, but nothing sparks behind the wall.

Reason and logic are the usual methods employed to lose the paralysis.

What is there to fear? Rejection?

You’ve been rejected before and you survived just fine. In fact, how many times have you missed out on something only to have everything work out in the end perfectly, albeit unexpectedly.

You were laid off but learned that sometimes it doesn’t matter how amazing you are. Some losses aren’t your fault. You spent a wonderful summer getting to know what you really wanted out of life. You took a road trip alone down and up the East Coast. You met Scott, the man who has completely changed your life in so many ways. Being laid off was quite probably one of the best things to ever happen to you. So that’s bullshit. Nothing to fear in rejection.

Are you afraid of finding out you aren’t good enough?

Yes. Terrified.

There is still a childlike part of me that clings to the idea that I will someday find my soulmate – the one thing I am actually good at. The adult in me understands that most people are medicore at nearly everything. There should be no shame in that. “But,” the child persists, “I must be capable of more than this. I don’t think I can do this forever. I want more.” I want to love my job at least 50% of the time – to really be passionate about it. It has to be possible.

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